So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
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he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
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I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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