what day is it and did you see me today?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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