I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
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No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
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I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?