sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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