my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
