He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
