Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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