Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
