the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Randomize
