I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Randomize
