Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
