I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
