i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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