I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
