dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
