Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
