I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
