the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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