Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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