this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
