Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
