did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
