At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
