By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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