I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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