Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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