We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
