peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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