i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
