he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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