i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
