I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
