my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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