i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
