$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
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Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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