She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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