I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
