i don't like sucking hair
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
