My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
