Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
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