I wish I could teleport
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
