one might say we're banned from that church
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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