found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
