I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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