you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
