Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
