We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
