Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
