apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
