why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
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there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
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I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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