I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
