i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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