How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
