i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
