Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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